Hellsing Advice
by SiriousB1
Summary: Running a multimillion dollar assassination business isn't everything...especially when you're assassinating vampires! If this is the case, why is it so hard to believe that the characters of Hellsing are in need of some mental help? Back by demand.
1. Alucard

Thank you to Little Master for your character idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
There is this guy, right? I won't say his name, but let's just say he walks around incognito. (HINT, HINT!) So, as I was saying, this guy follows me around everywhere. I really am beginning to think that he is stalking me. Now, I have two reasons as to why he might be stalking me. The first is that he wants to kill me. I know because he told me so. But, I'm afraid that this might just have been a cover-up for my second reason: the fact that he might like me. Now, I personally am not gay, but I'm thinking that I might have the kind of effect on men that leaves them with something happy in their pants. I mean, I have the potential! My master and my other vampire friend both are female and they swoon over me constantly. So, why shouldn't guys love me?! Um...did I really say that? Moving along, I am beginning to become exceptionally nervous about him stalking me because yesterday I found out that he doesn't wear anything under that trench coat of his! And, no, I did not find out because I tried looking! (Fucking perverts...) But, as I was resting on a bench last night, basking in the moonlight, he ran up to me. He opened his coat (which had been wrapped tightly around him), yelled, "Greetings from New York!" did a little dance to emphasize his member (which is not that big, by the way) and ran away! The man is a maniac! The fact that he paints purple stripes all over his bare skin doesn't discourage that fact, either! He's really beginning to make me nervous, if not paranoid. What can I do to get rid of this psychotic, stalker vampire?  
  
Yours truly,  
Stalked Protestant Master Vampire  
  
Dear Master Vampire,  
  
Well, that was an odd letter. A stalker, huh? You're right; he sounds like a crazy. I don't think I've ever heard of a combination stalker/ flasher. But, hey! There's a first for everything, right? There are several options for you to get rid of this stalker. One: Kill him. Two: Ask him to leave you alone. I'm surprised that you haven't tried this option yet. You'd think that would be the first thing you'd do! Three: Report to the CIA or FBI or whoever handles these sort of things. Let them figure it out. Or, last but not least...Four: Go to some sort of government agency (I'm not sure if it's one of the ones listed above or someone entirely different) and get them to change your name, appearance, etc. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger's profession in the movie Eraser. You get what I'm talking about? Anyway, that is all I can think of. I'd say your best bet is number one. I mean, I'm sure option number three would handle killing him too, but if you do it yourself you don't have to pay anyone. Or, at least, you won't have to let anyone else in on the embarrassing topic of being stalked by a midnight flasher.   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

A/N: Okay, well, since FF.net has "cleaned up its act", so to speak, I decided I'd try re-posting my advice columns. For those of you who have magically read them before, you might remember them all suddenly disappearing from existance. Well, some readers who were deeply offended by my use of language and sardonic tones reported me and my stories were removed. Sadly, many of them were lost forever because I neglected to buy Norton and I got a virus on my computer, deleting all of my Word documents. However, I have Norton now and I am searching my room for random scraps of paper that might possibly contain saved notes from the columns. Feel free to send advice questions (in a specific character or not) via FF.net's review system or my e-mail (siriousb1yahoo.com); I am always looking for things to do other than pay attention during Health class, so this is a critical step! Thank you for listening to this retarded rambling; hope you enjoyed it. 


	2. Integral and In Love

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Help me, PLEASE! One of my employees has a set of jugs that seem to enlarge everyday. However, I am basically flat. The problem is that I like another one of my employees, but he sired…I mean, knows the big boobed employee well, but is also with me a lot (business in both cases). I think I want my male employee to suck my blood, but he's already sucked my female employee's! How can I "enhance" myself? May God and her majesty be with you.  
  
Amen,  
Flat Human Master  
  
Dear Flat Human Master,  
  
I think that you're a little bit concerned with your physical appearance. If you want this guy to suck your blood, you had better be able to get him to do so even if your butt ugly or you don't deserve it at all! Maybe, instead of getting implants, you could find some form of vampire breast cancer and somehow make this female employee drink it (add red food coloring or something). Then, the doctors will have no choice but to remover her tits. (Ow…) But, if you fail to find such a rare disease in a Petri dish, then you could call Brittany Spears and ask her where she went for hers. (If she tells you that she never got them, then talk to Pamela Anderson.).   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to In Love for the following character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I am in love with a short blond haired female vampire. Any ideas on how to get her attention?  
  
Signed,  
In Love  
  
P.S.  
How do I also make sure she won't bite me if we go at it?  
  
Dear In Love,  
  
In love with a vampire, eh? Well, I personally don't have any first-hand experience in that field (despite the fact that I am desperately in love with Marius), but you could try offering her some blood from the hospital in heart-shaped bags. Then, move up to sharp, pointy weapons or really big guns! (Trust me, girls fall for these quickly!) Um, I don't particularly want to think about you (or anyone else) "going at it" with a vampire, but you could just ask her not to bite you. However, I do hear that being bitten by a vampire during sex makes it all the more enjoyable. If you want a lot of helps with that question, write to Buffy Summers, the slayer. God knows she's slept with Angel and Spike enough times….  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	3. Ash

Thank you to Ash-Bernadotte for your question.

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I recently joined the B. Cowboys under the command of Pip Bernadotte. It started out with the uniform. I got a little suspicious with the fact that it barely covers me, but that I found that Pip often dropped his napkin under the table. I am a bit concerned with this behavior. Why do you think he is doing this when he was apparently interested in Seras Victoria for the longest time?  
  
Cheers,  
Ash  
  
Dear Ash,  
  
Well, for starters, consider his job. He's a military man! How many girls did you see in your army besides Seras and Integra? He's got to be at least a bit excited that there's a woman in his unit. Hell, I'm surprised that he hasn't broken down and gone gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Now, consider the situation. If he was head over heels for Victoria for so long, then it is obvious that he craved a woman's touch. Well, craves, I should say. Since it became apparent that he couldn't have her, he was crushed. So, when you got the job in his unit, it was only natural that you reminded him of her. So, he gave you a skimpy uniform and put on his dirty state of mind. I suggest that you talk to him about it; see if he likes you, or if he's still fell hook, line and sinker for Seras Victoria. You should be able to figure out things for yourself from there. Oh yeah, and if by any chance your boobs get larger everyday, THAT'S why you remind him of Seras.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1


	4. Seras Victoria

Thank you to Phantom R for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
There's a man that I really like, but he's kind of like my boss, you know? I'm not sure how to tell him that I like him. I think he might have a thing for his boss, but she looks very manish and is kinda creepy. He might like me... he has a cute little nickname for me, it's Policegirl. I pretend to get upset, but he just laughs. I'm also concerned about my master's love of killing things, and how much he likes to fight things as strong as him. If we turned into an item would he be abusive? No! Master would never hurt me! Well... can you help me?  
  
Sincerely  
Red-eyed policegirl  
  
Dear Red-Eyed Policegirl,  
  
It is possible that you misunderstand your master's relationship with his boss. If this "man-ish" woman has known him for a long time, it could be that the two of them hold more of a brother-sister role, as many boys and girls do. So, while it appears that you have misinterpreted his feelings for a boyfriend-girlfriend coupling, these feelings might just be helping a friend in need. (Whether either is in need of anything is unknown to me, but I'm sure you get the idea.) Your description of his boss also leads me to believe that she might be a dyke. Not that I have anything against lesbians or gays, but the word "man-ish" illustrating a woman brings forth the stereotypical looks of a lesbian. You could use this possible friendship between the two to your advantage. For example, you could ask him what it is like to have a best friend of the opposite sex. If he opens up to you, then you might be able to venture further and ask what it is like to not have someone to love forever, when he is surrounded by females. This will show him that you are interested; then, see if he is too. About being abusive…I'm not too sure. I think that if he does become interested in you, then he would use his violent nature to protect you. But this can lead to overprotection and he might try to take over your life altogether. Tell him your concern about this, and see how he reacts. Nicknames and pet-names or whatever you want to call them can turn into a bad thing, using them all too frequently and at the wrong times. You don't want your fellow policemen to be calling you "Policegirl" for the rest of your life, do you? No, that would be embarrassing and rather sexist. Oh yes, and, if it turns out that I was wrong and he does indeed have a love-life with his boss, then be sure he doesn't tell his boss about your inquiries. This could get you fired and a long lasting feud between you two can only end in one of you getting hurt. Good luck and I hope that the above unnerving scenario (the one where he is dating his boss, not where you get your man) does not take place!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	5. Walter

Thank you to PhantomR for yet another character and question (this is my favorite character from the show!!).

Dear SiriousB1  
  
I'm having a bit of trouble with my boss. She is quite demanding. I'm not trying to badmouth her, but requiring me to lay out her tea at the exact same time every day regardless if whether she's in the hospital and almost dead is a bit ridiculous. I feel that I have to be loyal though, I knew her father when he died, and practically raised her too. (My boss, her father, died when she was in her early teens.) And I haven't had a vacation in nearly 30 years. Please help!  
  
Signed,  
Angel of Death  
  
Dear Angel of Death,  
  
Wow, that sounds quite serious. No vacation for thirty years? I'm not even close to being thirty and that sounds harsh! Moving on, the whole tea thing is out of hand. Making tea and drinking it is not a bad thing; quite the opposite, a cup of soothing, hot tea to start of the day is an excellent replacement for coffee as it comes in more flavors and is better for you. But I can understand your tiresome task of having to lay out a tray every day at the same time. As you have raised her since her father's death, you are more of a father figure and I hardly think a father delivers tea to his daughter whenever the daughter sees fit. I think I can find two possible ideas for you to use: the first, less logical and more impulsive one, would be to punch her in the face until her teeth fall out and she can no longer drink tea for fear of burning her raw gums. This, however, is probably not a very good idea…the second, better idea would be to approach her with a request for a vacation. I don't think there is much you can do about your tea-making problem; it is your job to serve her, so if she really wants you to make tea, then I don't see a way around it (unless she has a personal cook…if she does, then the cook should be doing that work!). But a vacation would be good for you: travel the world, see the sights. You seem like a sophisticated guy; go find a nice place in a foreign country where you can relax for a month or so. God knows you deserve it…  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1


	6. Lady Peace and Lady War

Thank you to BlazeStryker for the next two characters and questions.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Help! I'm at my wits' end here. My roomie is a total trash-talking, violent lout prone to do ANYTHING she feels is warranted, and I'm forever catching the heat for it! I just want to relax, continue my Bible studies, and help the little children out. Is that so useless?  
  
Signed,  
Lady Peace  
  
Dear Lady Peace,  
  
Oddly enough, I have a friend who is exactly like your roommate. Let me guess: she has a very spontaneous attitude, does whatever she wants how she wants and when she wants to do it, and puts a lot of trust in strangers, even when she shouldn't. I understand entirely! For example, my friends and I were at a carnival, and my one friend had a purse. Well, she didn't know what to do with it on the ride, as she couldn't carry it, so my one insane friend said, "Let the carnie hold it!" After five minutes of explaining to her that carnies did not earn very much money, did a lot of drugs, and were very prone to stealing things, we managed to find a way out of the situation. But that's another story. So, to get on with it, I have a question for you: If you have known this girl was going to act the way she does, why did you pick her for your roommate? I understand that you can get stuck together with someone you don't particularly like, but this seems a bit out of hand. You seem more the school girl, and your friend the redneck trailer trash. I suggest talking to her and then getting her to pay you to clean up her part of the room. (I understand that this is not what you want to do, but she's probably never going to do it, so you might as well get some cash out of it.) After this, sit her down and talk with her about her responsibilities. She can't blast some sort of crap music on the radio that could drown out the sound of a nuclear bomb going off when you are studying for a final exam. That is simply intolerable! Make sure she understands your wishes clearly, and fulfills them with dignity. If she refuses, kick her out on her ass and cherish the quiet. If she comes back, call the police. What greater way to spend an evening than to see a slob arrested for harassment?  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Hey there, Sirious!  
  
I don't know what this girl's on about! I'll admit that I tend to be a bit…messy, but it's a hard old world out there, and we of Faith have to watch each others' backs, dig? That's our job, by the way, but Miss Priss is so sucky she just can't get it. The way she folds whenever Maxie gets bent out of shape is ridiculous, so pardon my intemperance, but until she gets her head out of her ass, I will continue to disregard her! I mean…what would YOU do, in my shoes?  
  
Signed,  
Lady War  
  
Dear Lady War,  
  
I understand that being messy can be a problem. I myself am having some issues organizing my papers and stories, so my desk is cluttered with notebook and computer paper that should probably be in the recycling bin by now. However, I do not comprehend how being messy is a way of "watching each others' backs". You should do your share and clean up a bit if it is bugging your friend; Hell hath no fury like a clean woman in a tornado-struck room (God I know, just ask my mother). I'm afraid that I don't know who this "Maxie" is, but I'm sure whoever he/she is does not appreciate standing in a pile of dirty bras and underwear whenever he/she comes over. Your roommate may be a little of a perfectionist or have a slight bit of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), but her problems are only going to go over the edge if you don't clean up. Tell her that you understand her feelings, but she can't rage at you for everything you do. You are your own person with your own way of doing things (even if it is a bit messy), and you should not have to do everything she asks of you. Be calm, don't scream or get into a fit, and make sure you reach a fair agreement that you can both handle. Have fun.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	7. Alucard

Thank you to Hell Hound for your character and question.

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I am a person who goes out and kills sorts of evil undead, that's part of my job. But one night as I'm minding my own business a demented priest came up to me and starts throwing some forms of messed up knives. I shot a bullet at the demented priest but he got up like nothing happened. I am out of my mind trying to think of a way to kill this demented priest but every time I come up with something new so does that priest. He says he's cleansing the world but from what I ask? Is there any hope in killing this demented priest and this weird little toy knives?  
  
Sincerely,  
Big Red  
  
Dear Big Red,  
  
Crazy priests are hard to get rid off. Once they start following you, they don't stop. I remember a sleepover at my friend's house ages ago; a Jehovah's Witness member stopped by the door and wouldn't go away because they could see us through the window. Not that is important right now, but just a story to share. Now, if you are an overlord of the night who kills others because you are even more evil, yet good at the same time, I can understand the priest's situation. Yes, you are doing society a favor by killing the undead, but you are a threat yourself. Think about it…if you saw you walking down the street, would you run away and hide? Anyway, getting back to your question, I'd say do the most blasphemous thing you can thing of. This might freak him out so bad that he'll have a heart attack. Suggestions on what this profane action could be? Um, groping him, making out with a random person that passes, flash him, etc. Knives are pesky things…you have guns, so it would seem that you are at an advantage, but, should he keep coming back, maybe a need for explosives is in order? I can see that working rather nicely. But, should he continue to persist, send a letter to the Pope complaining of unruly conduct from his minions. Maybe the head honcho will pull him out of your area for a time? Good luck…  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1


	8. Vash and Blacbladez

Thank you to Sempai-san for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Some people have been confusing me with some other person that looks like me. He wears all red, including a large hat and has a similar style of shades that I wear. But he has black hair and I have blond, so there can't be a connection between us, could there? And I also hear that he's an awesome shooter...that could be a reason why people think I'm him, but he has two guns while I have one. I would like to meet him, but I don't know his name. Could you help me?  
  
Signed,  
Humanoid Typhoon  
  
Dear Humanoid Typhoon,  
  
Similarities are an interesting thing; this person obviously knows what he's doing. He may not be an impersonator, however. A twin cousin, perhaps? A jealous enemy? Or maybe he comes from another planet in an alternate universe? All of these ideas have popped into your head, I'm sure, but I shall now put them all down: his name is Alucard and he comes from England on the planet Earth (hm...I suppose that is a different planet, eh?). He is a vampire and hunts his own, therefore explaining the need of guns. If you really want to meet him (I daresay that some physical traits are quite probably the only thing you have in common), you can contact him via e-mail using the following address: AndersonSucksMonkeysNuts(at)MmmBlood.gun. Have a...fun meeting, and may God and Her Majesty be with you.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Blackbladez for your question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I know some things about that crazy priest. You see, he tried to kill me a while back: he claimed I was some disgusting scum vampire or something. He claimed he was trying to cleanse the world of undead filth, and he found me because of the medical blood I got shipped to my home. The reason I had the blood shipped to my home was that I was prone to getting cut due to my occupation as a blacksmith. Now...I make all his knives...and I still get cut a lot...I don't know how he comes back, but if he kills anyone with the knives...I'm sorry but I need the money and I don't want to die. Do you have any way out of this situation?  
  
Sincerely,  
Blacbladez  
  
Dear Blacbladez,  
  
I see very little that I can do. If he doesn't seem to die...well, you're screwed then, aren't you? You could contact the CIA, change your name, appearance and move to a foreign country and never mention the situation again, but I have this nagging feeling that he just might find you again. I suppose you could write a letter of complaint to the Pope and see what the Vatican does about it. They might send this crazy priest away, explaining to him that knives can be bought for less at a company that manufactures them in mass quantities on machines instead of by hand; or, they might simply tell him that he's being a nuisance and such hostile acts will banish him to Hell. Speaking of Hell, I have a test to study for, please excuse me.  
(twenty minutes later)  
Maps make my head hurt. Now, where were we? Ah yes, this cakesniffing priest. I suppose you are also capable of hiring a very skillful and creative assassin who has discovered a way of killing those who just won't die. Where you'll find that guy, I don't know...yellow pages? Have fun with that...  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


End file.
